Well the sad truth is that nothing in this world is or will be certain. Anything that happens may be planned but there will be uncertainty. And why is that? Being human beings, we most probably prefer to see the brighter side of things or possible events until it all falls down on you. Crashing and burning up in a pile of smoke. This is also probably why some of us would love to try to take the huge uncalculated risk on decisions that would make or break your happiness or satisfaction. If those decisions went well then its good for them. They must have been very lucky. As for me I ain’t that lucky and I should already know that better by now being the unlucky bloke I am. So many bad decisions comes with many unwanted circumstances as well as stupid consequences. It may be worse than I thought it would be. Who knows. Only time will tell.
I have mentioned many times that I am a changed man after a series of unfortunate events that happened to me in the previous year. It was probably the most depressing year of my 21 years of living. Injuries, heartbreaks, accidents. You name them, I have been through them. What hurts the most is that those were the results of my stupid decisions and actions. I would say that this year was much palatable for me. Lesser shit happened. Well lets not jinx this alright. It is still 2012 after all. Only a few setbacks hit me this time round and I was able to overcome them with the composure of a well learned man.
Well just recently I decided again to do something I have never done in my life. Probably because I saw this awesome quote somewhere saying that I will never get what I wanted if I never do what I have never done. What I had done did come with its risks and they are not small. I am risking a good friend. Someone who has something in common with me. Someone who would be a great listener. Someone whom I believe I am able to live with for the rest of my life. Someone I am truly in love with.
I kept this as my best kept secret for so long and finally I decided one day to confess to her only to realise that I was too late. That made me feel like an idiot. A big idiot. I thought that if I had confessed I would let go of the burden that was dragging me down. I thought I would live with no regrets had I told her how I feel and such. That night was probably the saddest night that I had to endure. I do not really know now what were the consequences of my actions on that night. I am certain though that it ain’t gonna help me with my case. I took it rather harsh. I couldn’t face it. I couldn’t face her. I couldn’t even face myself in the mirror. Yeah I am pathetic.
I wouldn’t know how long I will take to recover from this. However I do hope that this time I really learn this lesson and wouldn’t repeat it. I need to make a comeback from myself. I have made many comebacks and I do believe this won’t be any different. But as I said, only time will tell. Time will let me know the consequences of these actions of mine. For now maybe I should just stay hidden put out some fake smiles telling people I am alright when I am clearly not because I am too busy cursing myself for making stupid decisions.
Sorry for the gravity of sadness that is written in this post. I just felt like typing it. In this moment. Goodnight.
Zhi's Heart, Mind & Soul 