Deep inside

Well its been awhile eh?

I am not afraid of trying. Really. I don’t mind trying to bungee jump or put my hand in a jar full of snakes or even try to eat a scorpion from the roadside stall in China (again). Its just that things that matters to the heart I dare not try anymore. Countless times I spent trying to think of how I would approach a single lady which would convince her that I am Mr. Right, countless times that goes to waste in the end. How much effort I put into getting that particular someone to notice me all that too goes to waste. Maybe I am just not cut out for it. Maybe I am destined to just fail in this aspect of my life and put my effort somewhere else. Maybe I am nobody’s Mr. Right.

Maybe I don’t try hard enough? That may be true but I am just trying to cushion the potential hard fall I may get. Cautious? Well I really don’t take the fall too well. Takes a hell lot of time to recover. I may look ok I may sound ok but deep inside I really don’t feel ok. Its not just the effort that goes down, my pride gets hurt as well. Like real bad. Its worse than losing a ball game. Its worse than failing a test or an exam. Maybe I didn’t know what I was doing or maybe I didn’t say the right words or just maybe I was just lost in that moment. I put my pride out there on a table and it gets taken away. Just like that, a part of it is gone. Lost in a wilderness of nothingness.

Months has passed. I know I will probably stop myself from trying. Its like a new phobia. A disease spreading inside my brain. An epidemic. But don’t get me wrong. I ain’t giving up on love. I really miss having someone sitting next to me, I miss someone sitting on my passenger seat pretending to be unafraid of my driving when they actually are (I probably should change my driving style.), I really miss having someone to talk to at anytime of the day. Being alone is something I enjoy but having a special someone who can really take the loneliness away from my life would really mean a lot to me. Someone who would cheer for me and support me when I do something I truly love. I am missing that someone. Who knows, when I do found that someone, I would stop at nothing. Just probably not now. I still need to pick up the little stranded pieces of my pride and confidence.

These are probably the testing times of my life which I may rue myself for not trying hard enough, but for now I think I know where I am heading to and what I am gunning for. Peace out.